Zim Catches Cold
by InvaderJes11
Summary: What would happen if Zim cought a normal Earth cold, and completely overreacted? Dib would get involved, of course. A hilarious premis, in my opinion. Please read! FINISHED
1. A Discovery

Zim Catches Cold

**Ok, so I got this idea once and thought it would be hilarious. What if Zim got a normal cold and completely overreacted? This follows the whole Half-Irken Gang universe, so it's got me as an Irken in it (Jes). You don't have to know about the Half-Irkens I invented to get the story, though.**

**Guess why I'm publishing this today? 'Cuz I actually **_**have**_** a cold and I'm **_**bored!**_** Lol! So... enjoy! :)**

Chapter 1: a Discovery

It all started in school one day when Zim found himself asleep on his desk for the first time in the history of ever. It may seem odd to you that, at a school like this one, it had never happened to him before. But Ms. Bitters was so violently creepy, nobody actually dared to stop being alert for more than a second or two.

Anyway, back to the story, it was a December morning and ever since he got up Zim hadn't been feeling quite himself. Naturally, being the confident, detail-ignoring alien he was, he paid no attention to it. But it'd been getting worse all morning (more and more tissues filled the classroom wastebasket), and it seemed to have reached its peak.

"ZIM!!" Ms. Bitters exclaimed.

Zim instantly snapped his eyes open and fell backward out of his chair. The class laughed. "Y-yeah?!" He replied once he'd regained balance.

"You've been asleep for 10 minutes. I was going to ignore it, but it's been too long." Ms. Bitters explained. "To the nurse!" She snapped one hand up to point to the door in her ever so serpent-like way.

Zim, still wide-eyed and dazed from his fall, just obeyed silently and left the room.

Let's skip ahead to the nurse's office.

So she diagnosed a common cold and sent him home, right? No biggy.

Except, of course, Zim had no idea what that meant. And Zim's been known to... overreact.

The whole walk home, Zim was a nervous wreck. (And you'd be surprised how often an alien with an invisible nose can sneeze.) Now that he knew there _was_ something wrong with him, what was it? It was bad enough to get him sent home, he knew that now.

He hated Earth. That's the only conclusion he could come to.

He got home, went inside, locked the door, and called GIR.

"Yessir!!" GIR saluted as he flung himself into the living room.

"I've beed diagdosed with sub kide of... Earth thig!! TO THE ITERDET!!!!"

"The wuuuuttttt???" GIR drawled.

"You dow... the ITERDET?"

"What's an IINNTTEERRNNEETT????"

"That Earth detwork with the... you dow... websites?"

"I thought that was a kind of TACO."

"Oh, just CUB OD!!" Zim retorted, grabbed GIR's hand forcefully, and they went through the toilet to the lab.

There was never more of an abundance of information on the internet. Every search engine he tried, some form of information on the common cold came up. But the internet also likes to assume that aliens don't come to Earth and lack the information that it's harmless. So everything on Google, Ask, , Yahoo! and more sounded downright scary.

The more information he gathered, the more he came to the conclusion that this was the story with his immune system at the current time:

It'd never seen a cold virus before.

It was having some trouble fighting it.

And, since he wasn't prepared with a cold-savvy

immune system... this could take a while.

But what would _happen _was his big question. And nothing on the internet seemed to provide him with that information.

So, more anxious than ever, he went upstairs to the first floor and got in a fetal position on the couch. Five minutes later, he would have been more than halfway to sucking his thumb if it weren't for how tired he was getting. In almost an instant he was asleep.

When the doorbell rang, he fell off his seat for the second time that day. He composed himself and checked the clock.

3:22. School had been let out.

Suspicious, he looked through the window in the door to see who was there.

Invader Jes. Entirely safe.

Except... he didn't want to infect her TOO, right? So his response was "Just a secod," and he went into a back room and rummaged through a box of random things until he found a paper mask that had come with his new power saw.

THAT would work!

He put it on and answered the door.

"Hey there," Jes greeted him casually. "What's with the...?" She pointed to the paper mask.

"I've beed diagdosed by a professiodal with sub kide of Earthly illdess called a... COLD." Zim explained.

"Oh, sick, huh?" Jes said, still in her ever so non-chalant tone. "Yeah, me too, a little. Probably something going around."

"What do you mean?" Zim asked suspiciously.

"Hooboy," Jes breathed. She closed the door and began to press the indentation on her lower back that would turn her Irken. "You've got a lot to learn about Earth, don't you?"

"Are you questioding by skills as a fake hubad?" Zim said huffily.

"Better come downstairs with me..." Jes began. "For your own sake."

Zim raised an eyebrow, but did as she told and followed.


	2. ACHOO!

Chapter 2: ACHOO

"So," Jes explained, "As you can see by this diagram, you're _fine_... by the way, I can't believe you haven't even heard of this yet. It's so amazingly mundane on Earth."

She had finally found a website that explained things much better than all the ones Zim had gone to, and explained some of it herself.

"So... this is what I'b supposed to do...? Are you sure?" Zim sneezed.

"Sure... you don't have to though."

"But I'b deterbid, I tell you DETERBID, to bled id as buch as possible!!" Zim stood up on his swiveling chair. "DETERBID!!!!!" The chair turned. He fell off again. Jes giggled.

Zim got up. "So I guess I'b doig it." he concluded.

Zim looked at himself in the mirror. Floppy. He had to admit, he was more comfortable. And he never got the chance to wear his "I Am Zim" shirt!!

The truth was, Zim wore the same kind of reddish-pink dress-things to bed that he wore everywhere else. But this tee shirt was the closest thing he had to pajamas, and that's what the website SAID normal humans did...

Jes was long gone. Zim was bored. The cold was also making him very tired. So he decided he'd just take a nap. But first...

"GIR!!" he yelled.

"Sir, yes sir!" GIR jetted into the room and saluted.

"I very buch edjoy orderig you aroud." Zim smiled.

"Okeeeyyy!" GIR sighed. His head tipped stupidly. And fell off.

Zim's eyes widened. He glanced away nervously. "Awkward..." he mumbled, then left and went up the stairs to go to bed.


	3. Numbskulled Suspicions

Chapter 3: Numb-skulled Suspicions

Dib briefly popped out of the bush he was hiding in and coughed.

"Leaf -- *cough* -- stuck -- *cough* -- in -- *cough* -- throat!!"

This was why he hated the "hiding in a bush" technique of sneaking. But it was currently the best solution, since his heat-sensor-machine (currently in his backpack) detected Zim was on the second floor.

Dib jumped into another bush. Then another. And another, until he was directly under the window of what was most likely Zim's bedroom. He pulled out a pair of special binoculars that were almost like a retractable periscope, turned the crank to make them go all the way up to the second-story window, and looked through them.

Normally it would be a stupid thing to do, and it _was,_ but he wasn't caught because, as _we_ currently know, Zim was sleeping.

All Dib was able to see through the periscope was Zim sleeping in his bed. Absolutely nothing unusual. But this didn't shake Dib off the case – as he'd learned many times in the past, you could never assume Zim was up to nothing just because he looked like he was doing "completely innocent" deeds.

That one time, he was making pancakes? They were robot pancakes.

The new shoes? Zim only wore _boots. _The shoes were really keenly disguised lasers.

Dib retracted the periscope, stepped out of the bush and dusted himself off. Then he started to walk confidently around the house to Zim's front walk.

Just as he was about to place his foot on the walk, he had second thoughts.

The gnomes.

There was no way they'd let him pass. Unless he'd forgotten to turn them on. But the chances of that were incredibly slim, and Dib knew it. If there was one thing Zim was serious about (and Zim was serious about many things), it was his base's security.

Then he had third thoughts. He'd dealt with laser burns before. What the hey?

Dib cautiously put one foot on the walk and flinched.

No lasers.

The incredibly slim chances seemed to be in his favor today.

Zim was just about to fall asleep when he thought he heard the front door close. At first, he dismissed it as the wind or something, but then he remembered:

_I didn't turn on the security system yet today!!_

Zim hopped out of bed and almost tipped right over onto his humongous head, which is easier than you think. (YOU try getting out of bed that quickly with a head the size of a watermelon.)

He grabbed the blanket, wrapped it around himself, and began to walk cautiously downstairs.

When he arrived at the bottom of the stairs, Dib was just about to squeeze himself through Zim's trash can elevator. Zim glared at him. Dib offered a guilty smile.

"Hi." Dib began. "I suppose this probably looks like I'm about to infiltrate your lab and figure out what you're up to."

Zim raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah... ehehe... I was."

"I'm not _doing _anything today, Dib."

"You can't fool me with that."

"Seeing as you are the smartest of the Earthmonkeys, I can see why you would assume that." Zim contemplated. "But seriously... I'm not doing anything today.

Zim noted that his nose was no longer stuffed up, and assumed it a good sign. But he also realized it would make it harder to convince Dib he was actually taking a sick day from his... "job".

Dib gave Zim a suspicious look. "How can I be so sure you're not going to bring out a giant robot as soon as I've left? Huh? Huh? HUH?"

"Dib," Zim tried to explain, "I'm sick today. I'm not doing anything. I swear by all Irk!!"

"All _what_...?" Dib inquired.

Zim's only response was a sneeze. At this point, he was getting tired of trying to explain himself. Although he knew it may jeopardize his base, and, thus, his mission, he acted on an impulse to just turn around and go back upstairs and back to bed.

Dib just stood there, staring at the spot Zim had been standing a second ago. What was there left to do? He had realized by now that his lab probably had some kind of security system installed, and it wouldn't actually be smart to go in there. So... he made for the door. Leaving was the only thing he could think of.

He opened the door and found Jes standing there, fist raised, about to knock.

"Oh –" She began, "Hi, Dib. Why are you here?"

"Spying on Zim... Didn't work out too well." Dib replied. "This doesn't mean I'm not still on to whatever YOU'RE doing... which is...?"

"Oh, I'm just here to check up on Zim. He's got a cold... apparently his first."

"Oh..." Dib realized. So it was true. Which meant he could somehow take advantage of it... he only had to think of a plan.

Dib stifled a giggle of pleasure. "I gotta go," he said quickly, already halfway out the door, and he kept going.

Jes stood looking after him, confused. "Interesting... weirdo." She mumbled.


	4. Invading the Invader

Chapter 4: Invading the Invader

Never had Zim been more glad he'd installed one of those Earth-TV things in his bedroom. He didn't want to get up, but he was also getting excruciatingly bored lying in bed. That's when he remembered the TV. He was currently flipping between a rerun of Green's Anatomy and the Scary Monkey Show at commercial breaks.

Meanwhile, Dib was having a much less relaxing time watching his TV. As Dib watched, however, his mind was not so much on the show as it was on what he could do to take advantage of Zim. Then he slapped himself in the forehead. _You're watching TV when the fate of the entire human race could be at stake here??!! _He thought. He switched the TV off.

And that's when he thought of it. An off button. Just like you could turn off a television screen, you could also turn off any electrical device, just by cutting off the circuit.

In fact, just the other day in science, the class had learned about the difference between a series circuit and a parallel circuit: In a parallel circuit, it was wired so that you could turn off one thing and the rest would still work. But in a _series _circuit, if you turned one thing off, the circuit would be broken, and everything in it would stop working.

Dib thought about it for a second. He was pretty sure the gnomes were in series. So he just had to figure out how to turn one of them _off._

Zim fell back onto his pillow. Now he had a _headache._ He hated this cold – he hated with a deep kind of hate that really only Irkens are capable of accomplishing. But according to Jes, he basically just had to let it run its course.

Speaking of Jes, at that very moment, she yelled up the stairs to him "Zim?" she said. "How ya doin'?"

"Fine!" Zim yelled back. There was a pause.

"And you can come up, you know!!"

"Oh yeah...!"

_Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump._

Jes appeared at the door. "Hiya!" she greeted him.

"Hi." Zim replied. Jes glanced at the TV.

"Ooh, Green's Anatomy." she commented. "That's a good show. Home is better, though. They actually use real medical cases!"

[Author's note: Haha, get it? Green's Anatomy instead of Gray's Anatomy and Home instead of House? Yeeeaaah...]

"I don't understand _any_ of the medical terms though." Zim said. "Earth stuff."

"Yeah," Jes agreed, "Well, except, 'autopsy', right?" She shuddered. "Ugh. Bet you've heard that one far too much from Dib. So, anything I can get you?"

"Um, I have a headache."

"Ibuprofen, comin' right up." Jes went downstairs to retrieve a small bottle of Irken ibuprofen.

Jes opened the medicine cabinet. And screamed.

Staring back at her from the nearly empty cabinet was a very squashed Dib.

"Um... hi!" he nervously greeted her.

"I believe I deserve an explanation!!" she demanded.

"Well, uh –"

"Nuh uh..." Jes interrupted. "Never mind. It's actually pretty obvious. You're infiltrating Zim's base so you can do all sorts of things while he's sick in bed."

"Yeah, pretty much it." Dib agreed. "Ooh, aren't you wondering how I got past the gnomes? That's the best part!"

"Frankly, yes."

"I went into my dad's lab and got that thing that interrupts electric circuits that he invented last Tuesday. It wasn't very hard to figure out they were in series. Easy!"

"Wow." Jes complimented. "I'm impressed. But how are you going to get past me now?"

"Actually," Dib began, "While I was there, I also picked up the _taser _he invented last _Saturday._"

He held up a rather intricate looking taser, then popped himself out of the medicine cabinet. Jes didn't have time to think.

"See ya!" Dib said, and turned it on.

Dib had gone upstairs, and Jes had let him, because she didn't have a choice. She was sitting in the corner, "tased". Her side still hurt from where he'd got her, and it hurt even more when she tried to stand up. She was totally helpless.

On that note, she couldn't help but think of that news from a few months ago: "Don't tase me, bro!" She giggled, but stopped herself. This was no time to be laughing; Zim was in trouble.

[Ok, if you didn't hear about that, there was this dude who the police caught doing something illegal and he said "Don't tase me, bro!" It was hilarious!]

In a few minutes, the pain had subsided, so she ran upstairs. But Jes was afraid she may already have been too late.

Dib ran up the stairs, not knowing exactly what he was going to do once he got up there, but knowing that the fate of the Earth was dependent upon it.

He arrived, at the top of the stairs, in a hallway with a few doors, all closed. So he tried a random one.

Unfortunately for Dib, it was Zim's bedroom.

"Dib monkey!!" Zim shouted.

"Zim!!" Dib shouted.

"Piggies!!" Gir shouted as he walked into the room.

"Gir, stay out of this!" Zim advised.

"The room?" Gir asked rhetorically. "Ok!!" He walked out.

"No," Zim corrected, "Just the... argument." Gir had left. "I guess that works."

Dib and Zim stared at each other. "Uh, hi... there..." Dib said nervously.

Zim flung himself out of bed and began to chase after Dib, who ran down the hallway much faster, seeing as running _too _fast irritated Zim's headache. A wave of pain came over him, and he stopped running. "Ow..." he said.

Dib had really come up with the perfect plan this time. This "cold" was something Zim had never experienced before, and Dib had realized that and taken advantage. A rare situation had occurred: Zim had no idea what to do. Dib had run into another room by now, and had shut the door behind him, probably holding it closed.

Right on cue, Jes came up the stairs. "Jes!" Zim called, relieved. "Yes! Where have you been?!"

"He _tased _me, the little moron!!" Jes recalled angrily.

Zim stifled a giggle. "What?" Jes asked.

"Hehe... 'Don't tase me, bro!'"

"Oh, yeah..." Jes replied. "I know, right? Humans!"

"Anyway..." Zim said. "Let's go get him!! FOR THE IRKEN ARMADA!!!!!!!" He yelled as he ran toward the door Dib had gone into. Then he stopped, and sneezed.

"Zim," Jes said disapprovingly. "You're sick. Let me handle this."

Zim folded up his arms and looked away angrily.

"You're not going to _pout,_ are you?!" Jes said.

Meanwhile, Dib was listening to the entire conversation from behind the door, and found this very funny. He had to hold the door closed so they couldn't get in, so all he was really able to do was observe his surroundings.

It seemed to be some kind of storage room for alien technology; a very lucky choice of door on his part. He saw something that looked rather like a small weather balloon, but with weapons attached to it; there was a quite cliché looking laser in the corner; and dozens of other very intimidating Irken things.

This was the perfect room, exactly the kind of thing Dib had been hoping to find in Zim's base. But he couldn't leave the door without letting them in. He thought for a moment, looking around for something he could block the door with.

Not seeing anything, he decided he was better off taking his chances with two aliens than staying behind the door for, well, who knows _how _long. One of them had a cold, and the other... well, who cares, Dib could deal with her, right?

Dib counted to three for himself, then took off, quickly going through all the technology, deciding what to destroy, and what to keep. Then again, he couldn't possibly carry it all, so some of it he would leave for another day.

Meanwhile, Zim and Jes had heard Dib take off inside. "Zim?" Jes inquired, "What is that room he's in?"

"Aw darn."

"What? What is it?"

"Let's just go!!" Zim advised.

Dib heard the door open. Although both disappointed and scared at what he knew had just happened, he had certainly expected it, and just kept frantically sorting through the stuff.

Jes and Zim just stood there. "Is he serious?" Jes said, then ran forward and pounced on him.


	5. I Got Dibs

Chapter 5: I Got Dibs

Jes, in her human disguise, pulled Dib by the ear the entire way back to his house. "You are in SOOO much trouble when you get home, I can't even begin to contemplate how long you're going to be grounded." Jes predicted.

"How do YOU know?" Dib said. "What, have you been using some of that crazy alien tech to spy on my dad's BRAINS?"

"No, just assuming." Jes replied. "I mean, seriously. YOU SNUCK INTO A NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE."

"Yah, 'cause you're ALIENS."

"Pphh!" Jes laughed. "And you think he's going to believe that?"

"No... he never does." Dib said. "He never will..."

**And so ended another day in the lives of the IZ crew. What happened after that, you ask? Zim got over his cold in about a week, Dib was grounded for two weeks, and Zim, Jes, Hey, Kal and Der were laughing about it for about four weeks. Then life pretty much went on normally... or, you know; the sort of life that's normal for THEM.**

**Feedback please, mostly 'cause I want to know people are reading it!!**


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